I have spent countless minutes of my life worrying about myself. Thoughts have consumed me like: How do others see me? Do they like me? Am I making the right decisions? How can I be happier? If my family acts a certain way what will people think of me? If I don't say the right thing will I look stupid? Why do things happen to me? ...........etc...etc..etc.

I never viewed myself as a selfish person, you know, someone who would put their own interests in front of others. I think most people I know would consider me to be thoughtful and caring if you were to ask pretty much anyone I knew. It wasn't until earlier this year that God had showed that yes I am selfish. Maybe not in the traditional worldly view of selfishness, but yes selfish.

It seemed silly. I didn't always have to have my own way. I wasn't unpleasant or had a "mine mine mine" attitude. But then I realized one day while asking God.. "why have you not given this to me. I have prayed! I have hurt! I have cried! I have changed into a better woman! I have turned the other cheek....don't I deserve it? " , was that I just kept asking for something else.... something instead of being content where I was, the place where God wanted me to be....

Then it hit me like a tone of bricks!!! The underlying part of that whole prayer was me.....me me me me me. I never even toyed with the fact that maybe prayers were not being answered because I spent so much time thinking about how everything affected me and what I can do to change things instead of just turning the power over to God....Why do I always think my way is better than God's?..Why do I try to be in charge?... WAKE UP Jessica! You are selfish!

That was quite a blow to my ego...I just couldn't believe that he thought that, which brings me on to another quality I just found out I had...PRIDE!!...What ME prideful, never in a million years . I just laughed at the thought.

So it took a few days and I finally...slowly...I started to accept that ok maybe I am selfish and prideful. I realized that yes I can pray for something, but just because I'm praying doesn't mean that I will get what I want. God will give my family and I what He knows we need. My ideas and desires are not bigger than HIS. He has a plan and I need to be patient , open, and accepting to whatever that will be....

As my husband, Rob, and I are getting close to celebrating 12 years of marriage, I feel like I can finally say the word "celebrate" and mean it. I know it seems odd, but its true. We married and started a family before we even had a chance to get to know each other and become friends. After a very long road w/what seemed to be mostly down than ups, we are finally friends and enjoy being with each other, talking, laughing, and "blooming" together.

This year proved to be the best for our marriage. We were busier than ever, he hardly worked at times, the kids were more demanding than ever, and financially we struggled throughout the whole year. For most couples, these things can tear them apart. We on the other hand do things a little backwards in the Whitehouse family. All of these trials actually brought us closer and we built a loving friendship that I deeply cherish and will continue for a lifetime. I think the biggest part of our genuine change was that we both at the same time were praying and allowing God to be a part of our marriage. God has given us so many blessings, some we couldn't even see were blessings at the time. I remember coming to the realization that after all of the junk we had to go through, our separation, deaths in the family, medical issues, lies, fears, and just plain anger and ugliness, were simply just steps we had to take. While all of those are heartbreaking and serious issues, I now know they were just a small part of a bigger plan. A plan for 2 very selfish very prideful people to learn about pure and genuine LOVE.

Things aren't perfect, never will be, but the growth we have achieved makes it easier to accept the imperfections and just LOVE regardless. If someone would have told me 6 yrs. ago that we would still be married today, I would have scoffed, how could anything bloom from such ugliness....?

God has put some amazing couples in our life. Couples who were genuine, who didn't hold back and who put God in the center of their lives. Through these marriages we have learned so much. We have learned that even those "perfect couples" we thought had the best marriages, really are struggling too and not so "perfect". Their obedience of listening to God to share about their own trials helped save my own marriage. I have learned that trials can be a gift, sometime for ourselves, but sometimes and it seems like most of the time, they are for someone else. I'm sure our friends never thought that their trials would somehow help our marriage, but it did. God has used this to teach me that I need to be real, to be genuine and share not only my triumphs, but also and more importantly sometimes, my trials.

I try to remember during my own trials that maybe there is no lesson to be learned for myself , but for someone else out there. I don't always remember it right away, but sometimes it happens. I am kind of known for sharing too much information at times :)....I guess if I share something that helps someone and that brings glory to God, I will keep on doing it regardless of the occasional mishaps/embarrassments...and let me tell you, the latter of the two happens frequently.....

Here is a recent pic of my hubby and I.