I have spent countless minutes of my life worrying about myself. Thoughts have consumed me like: How do others see me? Do they like me? Am I making the right decisions? How can I be happier? If my family acts a certain way what will people think of me? If I don't say the right thing will I look stupid? Why do things happen to me? ...........etc...etc..etc.

I never viewed myself as a selfish person, you know, someone who would put their own interests in front of others. I think most people I know would consider me to be thoughtful and caring if you were to ask pretty much anyone I knew. It wasn't until earlier this year that God had showed that yes I am selfish. Maybe not in the traditional worldly view of selfishness, but yes selfish.

It seemed silly. I didn't always have to have my own way. I wasn't unpleasant or had a "mine mine mine" attitude. But then I realized one day while asking God.. "why have you not given this to me. I have prayed! I have hurt! I have cried! I have changed into a better woman! I have turned the other cheek....don't I deserve it? " , was that I just kept asking for something else.... something instead of being content where I was, the place where God wanted me to be....

Then it hit me like a tone of bricks!!! The underlying part of that whole prayer was me.....me me me me me. I never even toyed with the fact that maybe prayers were not being answered because I spent so much time thinking about how everything affected me and what I can do to change things instead of just turning the power over to God....Why do I always think my way is better than God's?..Why do I try to be in charge?... WAKE UP Jessica! You are selfish!

That was quite a blow to my ego...I just couldn't believe that he thought that, which brings me on to another quality I just found out I had...PRIDE!!...What ME prideful, never in a million years . I just laughed at the thought.

So it took a few days and I finally...slowly...I started to accept that ok maybe I am selfish and prideful. I realized that yes I can pray for something, but just because I'm praying doesn't mean that I will get what I want. God will give my family and I what He knows we need. My ideas and desires are not bigger than HIS. He has a plan and I need to be patient , open, and accepting to whatever that will be....